Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Third time's a charm -- maybe

See?  Here's where it starts getting personal.  Eight fears.  This is the stuff I don't really like talking about, but here goes.

  1.  I'm afraid of not being ___________________________ enough.  You can fill in the blank.  Good enough.  Pretty enough.  Smart enough.  Strong enough.  Thin enough.  Nice enough.  There are lots of things that could go into that blank and make a true sentence.  Whatever it is, in the back of my head, I'm pretty sure I won't be or do enough of it.
  2. I have a pretty grace-based approach to life.  Trust me -- if I told you just how extensive I believe God's forgiveness is, you might have a problem with it.  However, the raised-around-legalists child in me is afraid that when the next world does come (and I really hope that this world is not all that we get!), that I will find out that all of those narrow-is-the-road-and-few-there-are-who-choose-it voices will have been right and I will wind up on the wrong side of things.  So I guess I'm afraid that grace is not as inclusive as I think it is.  Because of that, I really don't talk about how wide I believe it to be.  I suppose I'd rather stay within the lines (and encourage others to as well) than take the chances.  Better safe than sorry, I guess.  But really -- it's not out of a desire to do what's right.  It's out of fear of being wrong.
  3. So there's that.  I'm afraid of being wrong.
  4. I'm afraid of standing before God without all of my family.  That was really the one thing I've ever wanted in life -- to bring my family -- the ones I chose, the ones I brought into the world -- with me when I finally see Jesus face to face.  The thing is, this is SO much about other people's choices, and I can't control other people's choices.  Shoot, some days I can barely control my own, so this is where my head says, "God's grace will cover it all," but now I must refer you to Fear #2.
  5. On the lighter side, I'm afraid that we will never find the two missing van keys that have disappeared during our recent adventures in and out of hospitals. 
  6. I'm afraid of the long-term health effects that Type 1 Diabetes will have on Caleb.  It's no walk in the park, you know.  Yes, it's manageable, but it's also a very serious illness that is not predictable and can cause pretty serious long-term side effects even with good management.  You can do all you can and it can still throw you curve balls.  It's different every day.  And crazy every day.
  7. I'm afraid of being poor.  Of not having enough.  Of not being able to take care of my children.  I realize this is a total lack of faith, but when you've been a one-income family and you lose that income suddenly -- more than once -- it's hard to shake that fear.
  8. And I'm afraid that no one actually reads this blog.  Then I post something like this, and I'm aI'm afraid that they do.    

1 comment:

Marisa Lynn Farmer said...

You are an inspiration, Lisa. Truly.