Thursday, January 24, 2013

2012 in retrospect

I'm trying to find a picture from each month from last year. You see, we people with food and body image issues often cannot see what we look like in the mirror. I'm not lying. I look in the mirror and just see me, so I thought that putting some picture together would help. I need to progress on the internal part of this journey and writing will be a big part of that. I want to share it with you in case it helps you too.

This picture was actually made in October of 2011 at a Halloween party, hence the pumpkin shirt. The pumpkin body was all my own doing. This is definitely a BEFORE picture, though, so here it is.

You've seen this one before.  It was New Year's Eve of 2011.  It's the picture that made me go, "Whoa, Nelly!  Who is that?"  I don't know WHY exactly, but it did.

This was made in early  March.  When I saw this picture, I saw a bit of progress.  I started to believe that maybe -- just maybe -- my body wasn't broken and that I could learn to take care of it again.

Early April.  The skirt I'm wearing in this picture was my first purchase of clothing that was a size smaller.  It was still loosey goosey so fit probably didn't matter all that much, but for someone who had spent the last several years experiencing clothes that were mostly too small, it was a scary thing to try that smaller size.  I'm still REALLY bad at knowing what fits and what is too big.  I've had to retrain my brain to realize that not everything that shows shape is too small.  I spent a lot of years covering up in baggy, shapeless clothes.

Late April.  This is the first picture I saw that made me think, "Wow.  I actually do look different.  I don't look like a fat person anymore."  (Side note: look at my beautiful Emily!)

Mid May.  This is the first picture of me in a cap and gown where I didn't feel like a bloated toad covered in black.

June.  We fat people hate, hate, HATE having our pictures made with other people.  Think about that first picture up there.  Look at me.  Look at my friends.  I'm twice their size.  I love them, but I seriously HATED having that picture made.

Look at this picture with my brothers and sister. I liked having this picture made.  Look at me.  I'm wearing a SLEEVELESS DRESS!  I have flabby-used-to-be-fat arms, but I didn't care!  I could wear a STRAIGHT DRESS AND IT LOOKED STRAIGHT AND NOT LIKE A TENT.  So here, I knew that some things about ME were really changing.  (And sidenote:  I come from an incredibly handsome family, do I not?)

July.  Now I'm just going crazy with those sleeveless dresses.  :-)  This was a knee-length dress too.  And just look at my beautiful friends. 

August.  You can tell by my facial expression that I'm still very uncertain about what clothes fit and what clothes don't, but I'm no longer afraid to try on the smaller sizes.  This top (although I bought it) wound up actually being too big.  I  have to safety pin it up to keep it from falling off my shoulders.

September.  In this picture, I could see that my face was thinner.  The XL shirt I assumed I would need is actually kind of too big, too.


November.  Emily insisted I dress up for Senior Night.  I'd been holding onto this top until I could wear it, and it was actually a little big.  This was my first attempt in skinny jeans too.

December.  I got a little work done on my face over Christmas.  Not really -- this isn't me  -- just in case you were confused.  Ha!

This is me.  The one on the right.  :-)  So . . .there it is.  My year in pictures.  Granted, none of this is about appearance for me.  It's about health.  It's about honoring the Creator with what he has given me.  It's about being honest with myself and dealing with emotions instead of eating them away.

I've been on a kind of pause since late December.  I think my head is trying to process all of this.  I don't want to go back, but if I don't deal with the internal part, I will. 

So here I will be.  I can't promise it will be daily, but here I will be.  I'll be working through a book called "100 Days of Weight Loss."  You can join me if you wish.

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