A confession

I just have to admit that there are things going on in my life that I have absolutely no idea how to deal with. None whatsoever.

Most of them involve other people and I'm a big believer in letting people tell their own stories so I'm not going to dive into the details. But I hope that whoever reads this little blog knows that all of our actions affect other people. That even when a situation is "yours," it is affecting the people who care about you. Please choose your actions wisely.

Thankfully, even though my mind is tempted to spin into 100 directions much of the time, my soul is calm. I think I'm past the point in life when I feel angry and disappointed about the things I can't control. I know they're there. I know I have to live through them and I know that I will live through them. I no longer feel like I have to fix them.

Here are some things I've learned in my 43 years of life:

• You can give heart, mind, and soul to a situation and there will still be no guarantees that it will end up the way you want it to.
• People are predictably unpredictable.
• Faith and friends are absolutely necessary.
• Time may not heal all wounds, but it can definitely smooth rough edges.
  
• God will provide the friends you need.
• God will provide the faith that you need.
• People see what they want to see and usually find just what they're looking for.
• I'm not above petty jealousy.
  

The older I get, the more I find myself reading Psalms. The praise passages are beautiful, but I'm particularly fond of the parts where the psalmist is angry and disappointed but still talking to God about it. After years of observation, I'm certain that our problems come when we experience negative emotions and place them as a wedge between us and God.

I'm not talking about a God that's small enough to be defined or contained in an 9:00 Sunday morning meeting. I'm talking about a big God that transcends time and culture and human understanding. A God who is large enough to be misinterpreted or even rejected and still work in people's lives.

So I will take my sometimes angry, often tired, pettily jealous self and plop it down in front of God in the morning. I will most likely not read huge passages of scripture or pray long, eloquent prayers. I will most likely just sit in the dark for a while and say,

Dear God, i do not understand.





i want to understand, but i'm tired of trying to.




please be with my friends who are hurting.




thank you for the moments of peace.




come quickly, lord Jesus.





And then I will sit in the dark some more, drinking coffee and enjoying its warmth.

I hope that's enough because it's all I have.