I've moved on

I started a new blog.

I don't know if any of you are reading me, but I am writing again.

You can now find me at fullerheartfullerlife.wordpress.com

And don't worry.  If for some reason, you're longing to read an older post, they've all been imported to the new site.

Shut up, Fred!

On Saturday, I had a phone call with a new friend who is helping me process some body image issues.  She asked me what life would be like if I didn't have body/weight issues as part of my life.

"I can't even image what that would be like."

We talked about not having excuses . . about becoming who I thought I could be . . . about dealing with my fears of either not being enough or of being too much.

"So could you give that voice a name?  What would you call it?"

Without a pause:

Fred.

(Note: I have an amazing friend named Fred and this has nothing to do with him.)

On the left is my super fly friend Fred and he is not at all like the Fred I'm about to describe. 

Fred is a grouchy old man with white hair who thinks he can tell me what to do.  Tells me that I'll be too much if I'm fully me and not weighed down and pre-occupied with thoughts about what I should or shouldn't do or eat or be.

"So, Lisa, if you could talk to Fred, what would you say?"

"Shut up, Fred. You don't even know me."

Fred doesn't know me.  He doesn't.

But he thinks he does.  He tells me I'll be too much or that I'm not enough.  He tells me that I were ever fully me that I would overwhelm the people in my life or that if I were fully me it still wouldn't be enough.

Side note: Isn't it odd that we can have fears of being too much but also of not being enough?

So from now on, that's my response:  Shut up, Fred.  You don't even know me.

You don't know my  heart.  You don't know my spirit. You don't know that I would move heaven and earth to help the people I love and that it hurts me to the core when I feel I've hurt someone.  You don't know that even when things look easy for me, they're hard.  You don't know that I second guess myself more than I don't and that I have unresolved fears you can't even imagine.

But neither do you know that even with that, I am strong.  I am capable.  I am loved and talented and full of life and joy.  I refuse to be defeated by life or fear or by something as menial as food.  I can sing and paint and teach and read and learn and cook and make people comfortable in my presence.  I can laugh and love with the best of them. I'm fun and funny and smart and I made a perfect score on the writing portion of the GRE.  

Shut up, Fred  You don't even know me.

Thankful Thursday

I am thankful that no lives were lost in yesterday's storms.

I am thankful for a good night's sleep and a better, more settled spirit today.

I am thankful for a husband who calls every day and look forward to coming home; a husband who wants to work on moving through and beyond these struggle times.

I am thankful for healthy children.  In spite of car wrecks and Type 1 Diabetes, my children are healthy.

I am thankful for my home.  My beautiful home that I am able to share with others.

I am thankful for my new mother-in-law and her obvious love for people.  For her hopeful yet realistic nature.

I am thankful for words and books and friends.

I am thankful for time I had with friends on Tuesday and for future planned time.

I am thankful.  I am happy and I am thankful.

Wisdom Wednesday

It's no secret that my life has been in upheaval the last few years.  Lots of change.  Lots of loss and grief and difficulty.

It's no secret that writing has been difficult for me and that I've had multiple attempts at trying to discipline myself into writing, but it hasn't worked.

It's no secret that I am now incredibly happily married to Jason.  What you may not realize is that I feel safe in many ways for the first time in a long time.

Emotionally safe

Spiritually safe

Physically safe

Financially safe

Safe

My head knows that through my faith in God, I had those things all along and that head knowledge kept me going on many days.  Now, it isn't just head knowledge. It's heart knowledge.  Something inside of me knows that it's safe to process some of the difficult things I've put on hold for a long time.

Today, I had to deal with some money things.  Money, especially, is a HUGE cause of stress for me.  I started worrying.  Started thinking about the what-ifs.  The maybes.

The reality of the situation, however, was that we had enough.  We may not have a lot extra, but we have enough and we both have jobs that will provide the next paycheck.  When I took a few deep breaths and reminded myself of that, I was able to settle and not feel so panicky.

Here's the thing.  Or a thing.  Or maybe just something.

I've never thought of myself as a worrier.  I may not be the calmest person in the world, but I typically always believed that things would work out.  Somehow, in the midst of all of that change and turmoil and difficulty that changed.  Now, it's more of a choice to remember that I'm ok.

One thing that Gandalf (code name for my counselor) mentioned to me was the need to remind myself of who I am.  Sometimes I feel powerless.  Voiceless.  I don't like the word "victim," but I suppose those are elements of victim thinking and I do not want to be a victim.

So today, I reminded myself of who I am -- of what is true about me.

I am safe
I am capable
I am kind
I am intelligent
I am loved
I am talented
I am  stable -- financially and otherwise
I am a good mom
I am a good wife
I am a good daughter

I am not perfect and never will be, but I care deeply for people and do what I can to be a positive presence in their lives.

I don't know if there's wisdom in this post.  There are no big answers for the world, but there are a few things that gave me answers today.  Live based on what's real, not on what's imagined.  Know who I am.  Be who I am.  Let faith in God be the reason, but appreciate it when a person adds to that knowledge.  Let the people who help you know the reality of God's love know that you appreciate them.  Say it.  Act on it.  Don't take it for granted.  Not every relationship has that component.

Live in the light.  Be the light, as in brightness, and be light-hearted.  Be who you are.  

Taciturn Tuesday

I don't really know what it is, but somehow I'm off today.  Yesterday, I was home with a migraine.  Not just a bad headache; a migraine.  Light did weird things to me and I could read but couldn't really process what I was reading.  I stayed home from work and slept a lot.  Today, I woke up with a bit of leftover headache, but all the peripheral symptoms were gone so I came to work.  Focusing is still hard, though.

I like to know why.  I like reasons so I've been trying to figure out why I feel so very blah today. Is it migraine hangover?  Maybe?  Is it stress from having a lot to get done before school starts?  Very possibly?

Or maybe I just miss Jason.  Maybe I've become accustomed to the balancing element he adds to my life.  I'm good at starting projects; he helps me follow up and finish things.  I overestimate or underestimate how long projects will take so I'm always a tad off; he methodically works through things and gets more done than I ever could.  I seem to have become a worrier in recent years; he helps me remember to laugh at life.

He's a true companion in my daily life and I miss him.  He's in Guatemala working as a translator for a medical mission trip.  I love that this is part of his summer each year.  His servant heart is so beautiful and I'm thankful that he gets to use his knowledge of the Spanish language.

I wish I could explain the difference it makes to have a spouse who is a believer.  A true believer.  If I could bottle that and share it with young adults, I might be able to save them some heartache.  

I miss his humor too.  I talked about how much he balances me, but OH!  How he makes me laugh too!  

I'm blessed beyond anything I ever thought I would be.  I'm happy in ways I didn't know would be possible for me.

And I am thankful.  Thankful beyond words for the peace and joy and happiness that Jason has brought to my life.  I'm honored to wear his name.

What I Thought

I thought my voice would be one of cheer.  One of happiness and joy and merriment.

Now that I'm finding my voice, I find that it's one of difficulty.  Of searching.  Of asking the hard questions and expressing the hard thoughts and not knowing if there are answers.

There is trust, though.  An unexplained trust.  And there is peace.  Even today when I feel overwhelmed, insufficient, and eternally fat, there is peace underneath it all.

Because even when I am overwhelmed, insufficient, and fat, God loves me.  He isn't waiting until I get my act together.  He isn't disappointed or surprised by my mistakes and my humanity.  He loves me.  He loves me and desires and maintains relationship me even at great cost.

And so there is peace.

Keeping Commitments

You all know that writing has been a struggle for a long time.  In recent weeks, words have begun to flow again.  I'm moving some things here that I originally put on Facebook, so you may have seen them here.  The part of me that longs for quiet wants to write here not there but there is where the conversation seems to be these days.  We'll see what happens . . .

To the Baby Crying in Church

Me too.

I hear your woeful cries of exhaustion and feelings you don't understand. Yours is the only audible voice alongside the pray-er proclaiming goodness and victory.

And yours is the voice I choose to hear.

Weep

Cry

Voice the hurt and confusion -- the longing for something beyond this moment.The longing for something more.

Today, sweet baby, you gave voice to my prayer. In your innocence and perfection and lack of understanding, you gave voice to the cry of my heart.

Not the silver tongued words of the pray-er. Not the fear of "out there."

The honest, plaintive cries of a soul longing for something just out of reach.

To the baby crying in church: Thank you. Me too.

Commitments

For too long, I've said, I need to . . . I should . . . I'm going to try.

Today, I am saying I will.  I am making a commitment.  A commitment to you, if there are any who still read this blog.  A commitment to myself.  Most importantly, I am making a commitment to God.

Commitments. I am making commitments to God.

If you know me, you know I have a relationship with God that usually resembles a wrestling match.  My love for God is deep and unshakable.  My heart's desire is to know him and for my life to be a reflection of his love and grace and mercy.  I desire to be still and know . . . to love him with all my heart, soul, strength and mind.  But  I rarely, rarely understand him.

I no longer expect to understand him, so much of my wrestling has ceased.  I can accept that what is is what is.  I seek to approach people and situations and not ask to understand, but rather how can I best love?  Be love.  Share love.  Speak love.

So my commitment is to write and share the love I see in my life.  See the places where God is so very, very good to me.

Another commitment is to read these books this summer:

1.  101 Tips for the Smart Stepmom

Although I am primarily reading this because I was asked to do a book review, the content is timely.

2.  The New Codependency

This is strictly for personal reasons.  The reality of my codependency is not new, but I've realized for several months that I need to remind myself of the difference between helping and enabling.  I need to remind myself that setting healthy boundaries and limits is a good thing for everyone involved, even when it's hard.

3.  The Other Jesus: Stories From World Religions  

This is another book I've been asked to review.  I'm looking forward to learning something new.

An additional commitment?  I'm committed to working through my difficulties with church.  I've found a wonderful, faith-filled class on Sunday mornings and church times are no longer the loneliest time of my week.

And one more commitment: A life long commitment to this beautiful soul.

It's been a very difficult few years.  Heartache.  Hurt.  Tears.  I know I'm a big talker, but I keep the things that are most important to me very close to my heart.  Because of that, I haven't shared a lot of the difficulty of the last few years.  It's been much, much harder than most people know or will ever understand.

But God was with me through it all.  Every step.  God was with me when I was weak and when I was strong and at a certain point, he allowed Jason to join on the journey.

I am happy in ways I didn't know were possible on this earth.  I am safe.  I am loved.  I trust.

God is good and I am thankful.